Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Side Effects May Include....

This phrase immediately catches my attention during a commercial. No matter what drug it is, there is an obligation from the maker to disclose any possible side effects from taking their product. For the most part anyone needing to drive, or operate heavy machinery is most likely screwed. In the hopes that they may get some of the information to slip by you, they hire people to announce the disclaimer that would be better suited as an auctioneer. As I try to absorb the numerous conditions that may occur I find myself wondering if it’s even worth taking these products since many of the side effects seem to be worse than the actual ailment. Here are a few of my favorites….

ALLI- This is a weight loss medication which prevents the body from absorbing the fat consumed by its user. Basically, it takes the fats you consume and prevents your body from digesting them. But it’s got to come out somehow, right? Yep and, according to their website, the way it exits is through “gas with oily spotting”, “loose stools” and “frequent stools which may be hard to control”. This is a polite way of informing their consumers that they should never be more than 3 feet from a bathroom while taking this product or they may crap their pants. Also, DO NOT attempt to fart as you will have the same result. Wow, maybe lugging around a few extra pounds isn’t that bad after all, considering the alternative. In order to try and ease their customer’s fears they offer the insight that users should try to wear dark colored pants, or have a change of clothes handy. Gee thanks. They also suggest that having their users know these facts tends to adjust their eating habits and help them avoid eating fatty foods. Guess what geniuses? If they adjusted their eating habits to exclude fats, they wouldn’t need to take your explosive crap inducing product. I wonder if they have any insightful tidbits for those who have experienced these side effects. Any suggestions on how to retain your dignity after you’ve done the penguin waddle to the bathroom in the office and emerged in a new pair of pants and a soiled pair in a plastic bag??

PROPECIA- This product is for men and it claims to help them hold on to their remaining hair. I understand why some men would want to try it, bald isn’t always beautiful. However, one side effect that may make them reconsider is “gynecomastia”. In laymen’s terms this translates to “man boobs”. But these aren’t your everyday, packed on a few extra pounds, man boobs. These things can actual produce milk! Now, there may be some breast feeding mom’s out there who may consider this a blessing, but I would think most men would rather go bald. These pills are also so potent that women who are pregnant are advised not to even touch the pills as it may cause harm to the fetus. As if having both a mother AND a father that can breast feed them isn’t harm enough.

LATISSE- This medication will supposedly grow longer, fuller eyelashes. First of all ladies, let me start by saying I’ve never met a man that would turn down a woman based on the fact that they have short, or thin lashes. I’m pretty sure that they never even notice that we HAVE eyelashes. Can you imagine a man talking to his buddies and saying “She’s really attractive, but DID YOU SEE HER EYELASHES? Definitely a deal breaker” On the flip side, I’m sure you wouldn’t hear this either; “She’s really not that great, but DID YOU SEE HER EYELASHES? I have to have her” Anyway, the side effects of using this product include; conjunctivitis (good ole pink eye), hair growth on other areas that the product comes in contact with, and even BLINDNESS! So, you will have beautiful full lashes, but your eyes will be leaking puss, you could have hair sprouting from your upper eyelid, and after all that you can’t even SEE your new lovely lashes. I’m sure that will have the guys lining up….

Last but not least; my favorite…

VIAGRA- I probably don’t need to tell anyone what this product is for, but just in case there are those who haven’t heard of it; this little blue pill helps those men that suffer from erectile dysfunction. Every time I see these commercials, one line always stands out to me “In the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help”. I’ve always wondered how often this has happened, and how many men have actually called a doctor about it. I’d imagine that some men would enjoy having this stamina believing they could satisfy their partners for hours. Just a little tip for those men; it’s really not necessary. Halfway through your “marathon of pleasuring”, I guarantee your mate’s mind will start wondering to things like “I wonder if I turned the iron off”; “who is on Oprah tomorrow” or “OK, wrap it up…I have laundry to do”. Another great side effect is blurred vision. I’m guessing this would save the user some cash. No need to booze it up before trying to bring home that “special someone”. You won't need to put on the “beer goggles” when Viagra will blur your vision for you.

Obviously, people need to take medication. Many people use drugs to treat high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes. Just be sure to read the label carefully if the things you take are not a necessity. Not only could you end up needing additional products to cure the side effects, you may also end up needing therapy…..

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

You freakin kill me! Keep them coming!

Tina

Jen Bessette said...

My favorite part, by far:

“OK, wrap it up…I have laundry to do”

LOVE IT!

summerluck said...

These are all great, Stacy!! Nice work.

Kelley said...

I was just kidding about the eyelashes. If we become friends, there will be a time when I don't have to say that anymore. I hope we do! :)

Kelley said...

So true about the eyelashes! I have one single eyelash hovering for dear life over each eyeball and my husband sends me flowers each and every day. Does he realize that eyelash will be on it's way with the next gust of wind? Does he even care? Thanks for making me feel better!