Please Don't Drop Your "Kids" At The Pool

We got a pool this year. It was money well spent, but it does make my OCD act up from time to time. I've been stressing over how to keep the water clean. When we first set it up I think I went out and spent more money on chemicals to put in it than I did on the pool itself. Once it was full I started adding all these things to the water as if I was making some sort of elaborate soup. A little of this, a dash of that, mixing it like a witches brew with the skimmer. The end result...cloudy water. WTF? It was now my life's mission to clean it up. I spent weeks trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong...and buying more chemicals to put in it. My numerous failed attempts were really starting to piss me off. Sure, we could still use it, but all the cool little games we had for the kids weren't much fun. Dive sticks would disappear just inches from the surface and then it became a sort of Marco Polo type game (minus the audio clues) blindly searching for them at the bottom with our feet. My youngest can't touch the bottom so he couldn't even "play". Goggles were also useless. Finally, I drained the stupid thing and filled it again. It was such a relief to see the bottom again. It was also good to know where my son's missing shoe had been.

Now on to the real issue I have with the pool...sanitation. I obsess over what may be in the water. Kids are terribly unclean little people. Especially boys. My days are spent wiping various things from every orifice. They get more food on their face and clothes than in their stomach and I've discussed numerous times their lack of ability to wipe their butts. This leads to a lot of anxiety when it comes to my now pristine water. I've replaced the little bucket at the bottom of the ladder, with a bucket the size of a small kiddie pool. Before they are allowed to go in the pool I require them to sit in it and wash everything. I then proceed to do a butt check to ensure they do not have skid marks in their suits that could compromise my water. Once all the proper precautions have been taken, they are allowed entry. My issue now is other children. I would love to enforce all my checks on other kids...however the law prohibits it. I have to believe that my kids are not the only ones that lack the ability to thoroughly clean their asses. Heck, I know there are adults who probably don't do a bang up job of it. I love to have other kids over to swim but it makes me a little anxious. I have visions of finding a "floater" in the pool like in the movie Caddyshack (hopefully it too will be a Baby Ruth). Then I throw out constant reminders to them that they cannot pee in the pool. I've also tried to scare them into thinking that I have that chemical in there that will create a giant blue cloud around the kid that pees. I find it ironic that after all these years of talking about it there still isn't one...yet there are fifty other chemicals I am made to believe I should add to the water. Aside from chlorine that is something I would definitely add on a daily basis. I am certain they have already tested this mystery chemical and know that I am a bullshit artist. Then there are all the times they dive under and emerge with a giant snot hanging from their nose. I'm gagging just thinking about what ends up in there.

Regardless of what is in the water I'm pretty sure I've got down to a science how to kill it. Skim, shock, chlorine, repeat. I'd like to think that my water is clean enough to drink, in the way that people say their floors are clean enough to eat off of. Now, let me also discuss another saying...the term "dropping the kids off at the pool". Those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, it's another way of saying you are going to take a shit. That being said, let me invite anyone in need of a refreshing escape from the hot summer sun to the pool for a dip. Come on in...the water is fine, but please don't "drop your kids off"...