Thursday, July 15, 2010

Pluck Off

I'm having grooming issues. Not hygiene issues, grooming issues. I do shower. Although, what was once an everyday occurrence of showering is now an every other day event...at night...when the kids are asleep. I try occasionally to shower during the day but unless the kids are tied up engrossed in something on television they tend to get themselves in trouble. Case in point, my last "day shower" afforded my children some time to create a hockey rink by spraying my hardwood floor with sunscreen and sliding around on it in their socks. Creative, I know, but I still can't walk over that spot without almost breaking my neck...all due to my five minute shower faux pas.

Back to the topic at hand...grooming. I have eyebrows that are out of control. I say "eyebrows" as if I have two, however this is not the case. If I could give you a visual it's as if a furry caterpillar has crawled above my eyes and made itself at home. Sexy, I know. Waxing is out at the moment since the kids are home for the summer and I would rather shave my eyebrows off than take them with me to the salon. I can't pluck them for the same reason I can't shower during the day. I realize this is something I could do when they go to bed, but I prefer to use that time to try and relax. Ripping hair that is millimeters from my eyeballs is not something I would consider relaxing. Just the thought of it makes me tear up a little. Who decided that the grooming of eyebrows was to be our cultural norm anyway? Surely it was a man. Why don't they have to do it? I mean, besides for Metro Sexuals? I'm glad my husband doesn't bother with his because I would be pissed if his looked better than mine. I will eventually succumb to the pressures of society and tidy them up...just before the next girl's night out. Gotta look good for the ladies.

The other area where grooming has gone by the wayside, is in maintaining these fricken gray hairs that seem to multiply on an hourly basis. Those of you with blond hair can firmly plant a wet, juicy kiss on my right ass cheek. I'm not jealous of blonds in general...although I would love to have "blond moments" to blame for some of the stupid shit that I do. I just find it a little unfair that gray hairs on a blond are not as noticeable as on someone with black hair, like myself. When I get a gray it stands out like a white guy in a rap contest. My solution? Pluck them. That's right people, I pluck the shit out of those little wiry suckers. The idea that five more will grow in it's place is total bullshit. I mean, it's not like a bunch grow in where I pluck...wait a minute...son of a bitch! I'm going to be either bald or completely gray if I don't stop!!

I guess I will have to settle for the alternative...dyeing it myself. Again, the salon is out. I'll go out and buy one of those dye kits for a couple of bucks. I'm not sure why I feel like I will save money using these things. I have ruined every t-shirt I own...in addition to shower curtains, bath rugs, towels and, on one occasion, a light fixture. Who knew black dye would take on frosted glass. This chick does now. You would think by now I would know enough to designate a shirt to use when I dye my hair...or to throw a tarp down in the bathroom. I'll just chalk it up to a "blond moment". That's right all you blond bitches, I'm stealing it anyway. Oops! Sorry about that outburst...I must be wearing my "bitter pants" today.

So again my hubby makes out like a bandit. No eyebrow grooming or gray concealing, on top of not having to push giant baby heads from his privates (bitter pants talking again). In fact, he looks pretty sexy with his sprinkling of gray hair. Funny, a man grays and looks "distinguished". A woman grays and may not look it but certainly feels "old baggish". I guess I'll have to distract my husband from my unibrow and graying hair with some mind-blowing sex. Then again, that would lead to additional grooming that I would rather not discuss here...

8 comments:

Susan Fobes said...

Funny I should read this after plucking 15 grays from my head this morning (they sort of popped up after my haircut-that or I'm going blind because a few were long!) And eyebrows? I went to work on mine recnetly with a tweezer and sort of went overboard-I thought nobody would notice, but my husband who usually notices nothing pointed it out right away! So you go ahead and vent-do it for all us brunettes.

The Empress said...

I'm going to tell you something that will make your day and love yourself and the state you're in top to bottom: love your caterpillar eyebrows, they shockingly and quickly grow sparse as you get out of your 40's.

love that you have grey hairs to pluck, your hair thins,too, so much that you'll ask a dr to check your thyroid hoping this is the cause and the blood work will come back all good and the dr will say, "sorry...you're just aging."

see...told you I'd make you love yourself up and down.

my pleasure.

and thanks for voting!

smashbravo said...

Youre way too funny, and its all true, I remember living all this stuff. But wait till their teens, its horrible, and those gray hairs are going to multiply by 100!
Well mine are all girls and girls are easier when small and a challenge when older, not sure about boys ...
but I do love your blog.

clschaan said...

lol .. this was hilarious!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Don't feel bad. Some day you will have time for a shower but behold, there will be no hot water or towels left.
And here are some positives
I personally think some gray hair on dark hair for a woman is rather striking and beautiful. My sisters are a redhead and a brunette and both have grayed in a gorgeous way. Now, I did recently realize that I didn't seem to need to lighten my hair at the usual time. Because it was So Gray. Though this is cheaper and saves work it was rather shocking (and depressing)all the same. Another draw back to being blonde is that it goes away when you are 12. It turns the color of dead leaves mixed with spanish moss. So you have to start coloring early. And by the time you are thirty you have staw. You have to be careful of open flame. You also get sparse pathetic eyebrows that can't be plucked. Because you can't pluck a big gaping hole away.
So you see, embrace the luxuriant beauty you have been awarded!
And yeah, I just had to look up luxuriant because I wasn't sure I spelled it right. I have a choice now, Dumb Blonde, or Senile Gray ; )

Crystal said...

Oh, I feel your pain. You have an award waiting for your foxy self: http://bit.ly/dploK9

TV's Take said...

Ha! Female grooming really never ends. I had a whole post dedicated to my gray hairs and how much they drive me insane. My dear mother recently told me about a powder product that you put on your grays in-between coloring. When I get the name I'll let you know. Thanks for stopping by today...

Dalia - Gen X Mom said...

Those popping up 'whites' (not greys) make me crazy. I have even found myself covering them with a little mineral makeup in a pinch! Some people say mascara but I think that is way too messy. Getting old, not fun! Did you ever imagine.