Thursday, July 1, 2010

Welcome To My Life

Whenever I talk to another parent I find myself saying this phrase all the time; "Welcome to my life". The common theme in these conversations tends to be how simple life used to be before children, yet we didn't realize at the time how good we had it. Now that my kids are home for the summer I really get to see how difficult the simplest tasks have become. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with them. But it is amusing to me that my days are filled with trying to answer questions like: "Mommy, how do chicks get in the egg shells without cracking them?" or "How come it makes a bubble when I fart in the tub?" They are funny little guys filled with curiosity and I love them to death, but I can't help but reminisce about the days when the little things in life weren't such a chore. Here are some examples:

Using the telephone

Then: Pick up the phone, dial, talk, hang up. Simple.

Now: Pick up the phone, dial and start fielding an on slot of questions that can't possible wait until I am off the phone. "Mommy, mommy...ANSWER ME MOMMY" It's like they have some sort of sixth sense when it comes to my needing to make a phone call. No matter where they are or what they are doing they come running as soon as I dial and are not satisfied until I have asked the person I am speaking with to hold on for a second so I can beat them tell them to shut it through painfully clenched teeth. Wow, using the phone used to be so easy...

Using the bathroom

Then: Well this was never at any point in my life considered a luxury before now. Whenever I needed to go I went. Simple.

Now: Whenever I have to go to the bathroom I try to sneak away without getting caught. It never works. As soon as I close the door and sit down (if I make it that far) the knocking starts...."Mommy, what are you doing?"..."I'm using the bathroom"..."No, I mean are you pooping or peeing?"... "Never mind buddy, just let mommy have some private time". Apparently that translates to open the door and join me. I know what you're thinking, just lock the door, right? Well I would but unfortunately they both know how to pop the lock from the outside so it doesn't matter. Now here I am, sitting on the toilet with an audience. "So are you pooping or peeing?"... "Peeing, OK"..."Oh, how come you have to sit down to pee?"..."Well mommy can't stand up like you"..."Oh, did your pee-pee fall off?"..."No, just please leave so mommy can finish". Wow, using the bathroom used to be so easy...

Going to the store

Then: Walk in, leisurely browse, find what I need, pay, leave. Simple.

Now: Just knowing that I have to take them both in a store gives me heartburn. Every store has so many distractions for them that I feel like I am herding cattle all the way through. It seems like everything I need to get is at the back of the store and we have to walk thorough aisles filled with things they feel we need to have. "Hey mom, look at these light bulbs...we need light bulbs right?"..."No, now put that down and keep walking please."..."But look, there are some paint brushes over here...we need some right?"..."No, I just need one thing and I know where it is, please keep moving"..."But look, they have trash bags...do we need.." "NO...KEEP WALKING SO I CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Then of course I get all the shocked looks from people passing by. I'm sure they are thinking that I need to have more patience. That's fine because I am thinking they should mind their own fucking business. Let me add that the person that decided to put all the snacks and little toys at the check out counter should be shot. Sure I can use them as a bribe to get them to behave. "If your good, you pick something at the check out". But lets face it, even if they haven't been good, I'll probably end up buying something for them anyway just to avoid the full blown tantrum that will ensue if I refuse. Wow, going to the store used to be so easy...

Going to the beach

Then: Roll out of bed around 10:00am, decide I should go the the beach, grab a towel, stop for an iced coffee, get on the beach, read Cosmo from cover to cover, flip, pass out for a few hours, go home. Simple.

Now: Packing must start the night before. This will include enough snacks to feed a small village, 20 juice boxes, a thousand toys, pails, shovels, and trucks, 4 types of sunscreen, an umbrella, and a chair for me that I probably won't get to sit in. An alarm has to be set to get up early and pack the cooler, car, and to slather them from head to toe in sunscreen. I also need to set aside some time to make them sit on the toilet and try to poop because if they have to go when we get there it will be a nightmare (I have never needed to worry about another person's bodily functions before now, I might add). We are on the road by 7:30am (I can't possibly sit in beach traffic with 2 kids and no AC). The day is spent stressing over them going too deep in the water, or getting knocked down by a wave. I have to reapply sunscreen every hour on the hour to avoid any burns. They eat constantly and fight with any child that attempts to touch their toys.  After all this "fun" I have to hose them off before putting them in my car because they have sand in every crevice of their body. Wow, going to the beach used to be so easy...

Even blogging has changed since my kids are out of school. I used to be able to write a little here and there while they were at school. Now, as soon as I get on the computer they are crawling all over me; "Whatcha doin?"..."Can you go to Nick Jr.?"..."Where is the letter S". I guess it's better than trying to blog while they are "busy". This usually means they are writing on something they shouldn't be, filling water balloons and dumping water all over my bathroom floor, or peeing in the tub instead of using the toilet. Ugh...my blogs may have to be shortened versions throughout the summer just to avoid disaster. Wait a minute...Shit! I have to go...they are somewhere being quiet!!

8 comments:

Mama Wheaton said...

I would tell you that all of those things you mentioned do go back to being simplier but that would be a lie. 15, 13, and 11 yo at home and the phone thing and bathroom events still happen, though they don't come in anymore. Going to a beach still requires a ton of food, which is more expensive now and you still worry about them in the water. I will say that I can go shopping now with out the heartburn so see things do get better.

Jessica Anne said...

OMG! So funny! I will help you hunt down and shoot the person that put all those snacks at the check out, especially the candy bars at eye level to a 2 year old. What were they thinking? I have decided if my 2 yr old opens a candy bar at check out while I'm focusing on paying I shouldn't have to buy it. That's totally their fault.

S Farrell said...

Thanks Mama! It's good to know there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel :)

Jessica, I completely agree! That stuff should be complimentary!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Mama Wheatons right. I wish I could say it ends but a 16 year old walked in on me in the bathroom this morning because telling me the venue of the concert she wants to see "in two weeks" couldn't wait. Mine have learned the new shopping whine of "but it's on sale" and every five minutes I hear "can I check my facebook?"
Hang in there we are 1/3 thru!

S Farrell said...

LOL! I love your insight on things MOTPG!

Kelley said...

Our lives are so similar! Ha! I really laughed out loud at the "Did your pee-pee fall off?" question. Hahahaha!! I'm always getting questions like that. I just say that they're private is on the outside and mine is on the inside. We read that in a book somewhere once. I am not looking forward to the day when they want more details than that...

Crystal said...

This is hilarious. And don't you love it when kid-less people say, "I'm so tired." Say whaaa?

You are so right about the beach. We moved to a state with like 26,000 lakes or something and we've been to 1 all summer. Nuff said.

Men Are Dumb. I Are One. said...

So funny. My wife and I don't have children, so our lives are like the first part of your paragraphs, but we do use lots of diapers - on the flat screen TV. Anyway, you have a very funny blog, and I hear that children make like worthwhile, in between the stuff you list here. Again, funny blog and hang in there with the kids.