My Easy Button Is Broken

It may just need new batteries. Or, it's more likely that my kids simply removed the batteries and put them in one of their toys. It is also quite possible that I have completely worn the thing out. If that is the case, I believe the burn out was caused by the number of times I used it in my early twenties. Life sure was easy then. It's funny though, I don't ever remember using it then. Maybe it was in my trunk with something set on top of it, pressing it constantly. There are times during the day when I throw out a prayer that my kids have easy buttons that I could just "borrow" while mine is not working but, so far no luck. As a matter of fact, I think maybe they are using mine and wearing it out on me. Whatever the case may be, it definitely does not seem to be working at the present time.

Here is an example of how something seemed easy, but turned out to be very difficult.The other day I decided I would take the dog for a walk. Perhaps my misstep came in verbalizing what I was thinking of doing.

"Can I come Mommy?"
"Sure"
"I want to come too"
Umm, OK, sure...
"Yeah, we'll both come with you...and we can ride our scooters"
Hold up...the Easy is rapidly exiting from my original plan.

Well, alright then, lets take this traveling circus on the road.

As I stepped outside I realized that Mother Nature was going to rip the easy out of this also, by claiming to be 'Spring' and actually being a cold bitch. Obviously, I didn't verbalize that...I just like to swear here. My kids are not fluent readers yet...plus, they would never think that anything their Mom was writing is something they would want to read.

I told the boys I needed to run back in and grab some gloves. I may have left out some additional information, or instructions like "Stay right there, don't move, I'm going to take two seconds I know exactly where they are", but I figured it would take just as long for me to say that as it would to get my gloves. It was enough time for them, apparently, to take off. I walked out the door and they were gone. My heart fell into my stomach and instantly scenes of them being abducted ran through my mind. Not because I feared that would happen in my neighborhood at all, but because of how quickly they disappeared.
I started running in the direction I guessed they may have headed and quickly realized I was right. I relaxed a bit and mentally scolded myself for a second.
You HAD to go straight to an abduction, didn't you?
What?! It happens!
As I got closer to them I noticed my five year old going into a neighbor's driveway. No big deal. I started to pick up my pace to catch up with them. When I got to the corner a car came to the intersection heading toward the driveway he had just gone up, and stopped.
"Stay there" I yelled
Just as the car started moving again my five year turned around and started flying down the driveway.
What the hell!!
"STOP!! STOP!!"
Thank goodness, the driver saw him and stopped well before getting near him. Meanwhile, here he comes with a huge smile on his face having a great time, oblivious to the car even being there. I love that my street has hardly any traffic, but it's a moment like that when you realize it could be a bad thing....Or...that you are going to have to remind them every single day that they need to watch for cars.
As he got closer to me I was trying to keep my cool and told him for the 23,764th time that he needs to watch for cars. He just smiled his biggest smile back and said "Wow, did you see that mommy? That was fun!"
"Yep, it was a blast"
Then...I knew it was coming and started to cringe.
I was about to be on the receiving end of a verbal assault, from no doubt a mother herself, as she was driving carefully down a street that tends to have lots of kids around.
"Is that your son?"
I'm ashamed to admit that for a brief second I thought... what would happen if I say no?
I would have an opportunity to gain some advice from a veteran. We could talk about this child's mother and what rookie mistake she was making. Yeah, that's it.
Crap. He called me out already.
"Yes...he's mine"
"Your lucky I was going slow. He went right in front of my car"
"Yes, I appreciate your driving slowly in this area. Sometimes the kids don't pay attention"
What I decided to keep to myself was: 'Certainly, you can't believe that as I was getting ready to leave the house to walk and I said "Hey guys, do mommy a favor...when I go inside, take off while I'm not looking, and ride your scooters in front of any cars that may come down the street". I assure you this wasn't the conversation that took place. As a matter of fact I have now realized how much instruction I left out in speaking with them. I apologize. They make terrible decisions sometimes. By the way, my plan was to walk the dog. My parenting mishaps today were a) saying I wanted to go for a walk and b) having cold hands. I didn't want to say no to them, but it would have been much easier if I was just walking the dog. What?! Why am I crying?! I don't know!!'
I'm glad I kept this as my internal dialog. I think she may have noticed the distressed look on my face because her look softened. She even smiled and said "I know how it is...It's not easy"
Ain't that the truth.
It's possible that I used up all of my easy when I was a child. No doubt my mother played a huge roll in making things easy for me when I was young (Hey, maybe SHE was using my easy button. That's fine, I'm sure she needed it, I'll let it slide)
Maybe life isn't meant to be easy. Maybe the hard things in life are what make it worth while. Hey, now that I think of it, I believe we were discussing that at "Girls Night Out" the other night. OR, maybe that was a reference to somethings else... never mind, I'll save that for my next blog.

Feel Free To Judge Me

Mother of the year? Nope, not me. In fact, throughout my mothering career I have been the Susan Lucci among those in the running for this impossible to obtain award. But, I'm cool with it, and so are my kids. As a matter of fact, I rock as a mom...and I am quoting my children when I say this. It may have to do with the fact that the judgement which is passed upon me (obviously by those who have won this award in the past) is wasted on someone who doesn't give a rat's ass what they think. What am I doing with a rat's ass you ask? I'm not sure, but I do know that I am not giving it up.

Don't get me wrong, I admire what so many moms are able to accomplish with their kids...especially when it comes to nutrition. My kids suck to feed. Oh sure, it was all fine and dandy when they couldn't speak yet, or throw offensive foods off their highchairs. I could feed them whatever I wanted. Plenty of fruits, veggies, and protein. Now, forget it. They are small versions of their father whose main staples consist of pasta and pizza. He's about as plain an eater as they come. Mr. "I don't want any 'chunky things' in my pasta sauce" and god forbid there be a vegetable on his plate. Me, on the other hand, I will try anything... and I mean anything. My husband probably wishes I was as experimental in the bedroom. I even prefer to try things before I know what they are, just in case knowing what it is may ruin the experience. I'm back to talking about food here people, not my sex life...dirty, dirty minds.

Here is where the judgemental part comes in for a lot of people. I feed my kids whatever they ask for. Period. Of course I don't allow cake and cookies and such for dinner, but a majority of their dinners consist of chicken nuggets and french fries. I've even gone so far as to by a deep fryer which cooks those things up in a matter of 2 minutes. I'm going to lose my mind if one more person tells me that I am making more work for myself and that they should be eating whatever I make for my husband and I to eat. Right. If I tried to enforce that rule my days would be spent listening to hours of moaning and complaining that they don't want to eat what I made. They are stubborn little shits (they get that from me) and they would sit there until the cows came home. Yes, I also have cows that come home when things take forever to happen. Then before they went to bed they would look at me with sad little eyes and say "I'm hungry". I wouldn't be able to stand sending them to bed that way so I would cook something for them to eat, two hours after I made dinner. So you see...judges...this would actually make more work for me. Feel free to leave comments and motherly advice as to how I can change this, which I will promptly delete and mentally file under "Who Does This Bitch Think She Is?"

I read about all these mother's who are able to feed their kids tofu, whole wheat pasta, and sugar free everything. No doubt these are the same mothers that gained 15 pounds during their pregnancy while they did yoga up until the day they gave birth. I was sabotaging my award chances right from the get go, as I slept for most of my pregnancies or sat on the couch with a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and a spoon.

Here are some other moments that tainted my relationship with the judges:

- I've been know to pull over to the side of the road to have them exit the car, leave their door open as a type of shield, and pee

- I've taken them to see a band and brought them home well past what would be known as a "respectable" bed time

- Occasionally I skip an evening bath or bedtime story

- I once forgot that my sons tooth fell out and the tooth fairy did not arrive. In my defense, he lost it in the middle of the night. Therefore my story that the tooth fairy had already planned her trip by the time it came out was sufficient.

- I reward them with time to play video games

- I've taught them the rules of a few "drinking" games and allowed them to play with water rather than alcohol

Overall, I've come to terms with the fact that I will never even be considered for mother of the year. I don't really care either. The bottom line is that I love my children more than anything in this world and I would do anything for them. I am here-by bowing out of contention. Please continue to feel free to keep judging me though...I don't give a flying fuck. And what is that? Don't know, but I store them right next to the rat's asses.