My Easy Button Is Broken

It may just need new batteries. Or, it's more likely that my kids simply removed the batteries and put them in one of their toys. It is also quite possible that I have completely worn the thing out. If that is the case, I believe the burn out was caused by the number of times I used it in my early twenties. Life sure was easy then. It's funny though, I don't ever remember using it then. Maybe it was in my trunk with something set on top of it, pressing it constantly. There are times during the day when I throw out a prayer that my kids have easy buttons that I could just "borrow" while mine is not working but, so far no luck. As a matter of fact, I think maybe they are using mine and wearing it out on me. Whatever the case may be, it definitely does not seem to be working at the present time.

Here is an example of how something seemed easy, but turned out to be very difficult.The other day I decided I would take the dog for a walk. Perhaps my misstep came in verbalizing what I was thinking of doing.

"Can I come Mommy?"
"Sure"
"I want to come too"
Umm, OK, sure...
"Yeah, we'll both come with you...and we can ride our scooters"
Hold up...the Easy is rapidly exiting from my original plan.

Well, alright then, lets take this traveling circus on the road.

As I stepped outside I realized that Mother Nature was going to rip the easy out of this also, by claiming to be 'Spring' and actually being a cold bitch. Obviously, I didn't verbalize that...I just like to swear here. My kids are not fluent readers yet...plus, they would never think that anything their Mom was writing is something they would want to read.

I told the boys I needed to run back in and grab some gloves. I may have left out some additional information, or instructions like "Stay right there, don't move, I'm going to take two seconds I know exactly where they are", but I figured it would take just as long for me to say that as it would to get my gloves. It was enough time for them, apparently, to take off. I walked out the door and they were gone. My heart fell into my stomach and instantly scenes of them being abducted ran through my mind. Not because I feared that would happen in my neighborhood at all, but because of how quickly they disappeared.
I started running in the direction I guessed they may have headed and quickly realized I was right. I relaxed a bit and mentally scolded myself for a second.
You HAD to go straight to an abduction, didn't you?
What?! It happens!
As I got closer to them I noticed my five year old going into a neighbor's driveway. No big deal. I started to pick up my pace to catch up with them. When I got to the corner a car came to the intersection heading toward the driveway he had just gone up, and stopped.
"Stay there" I yelled
Just as the car started moving again my five year turned around and started flying down the driveway.
What the hell!!
"STOP!! STOP!!"
Thank goodness, the driver saw him and stopped well before getting near him. Meanwhile, here he comes with a huge smile on his face having a great time, oblivious to the car even being there. I love that my street has hardly any traffic, but it's a moment like that when you realize it could be a bad thing....Or...that you are going to have to remind them every single day that they need to watch for cars.
As he got closer to me I was trying to keep my cool and told him for the 23,764th time that he needs to watch for cars. He just smiled his biggest smile back and said "Wow, did you see that mommy? That was fun!"
"Yep, it was a blast"
Then...I knew it was coming and started to cringe.
I was about to be on the receiving end of a verbal assault, from no doubt a mother herself, as she was driving carefully down a street that tends to have lots of kids around.
"Is that your son?"
I'm ashamed to admit that for a brief second I thought... what would happen if I say no?
I would have an opportunity to gain some advice from a veteran. We could talk about this child's mother and what rookie mistake she was making. Yeah, that's it.
Crap. He called me out already.
"Yes...he's mine"
"Your lucky I was going slow. He went right in front of my car"
"Yes, I appreciate your driving slowly in this area. Sometimes the kids don't pay attention"
What I decided to keep to myself was: 'Certainly, you can't believe that as I was getting ready to leave the house to walk and I said "Hey guys, do mommy a favor...when I go inside, take off while I'm not looking, and ride your scooters in front of any cars that may come down the street". I assure you this wasn't the conversation that took place. As a matter of fact I have now realized how much instruction I left out in speaking with them. I apologize. They make terrible decisions sometimes. By the way, my plan was to walk the dog. My parenting mishaps today were a) saying I wanted to go for a walk and b) having cold hands. I didn't want to say no to them, but it would have been much easier if I was just walking the dog. What?! Why am I crying?! I don't know!!'
I'm glad I kept this as my internal dialog. I think she may have noticed the distressed look on my face because her look softened. She even smiled and said "I know how it is...It's not easy"
Ain't that the truth.
It's possible that I used up all of my easy when I was a child. No doubt my mother played a huge roll in making things easy for me when I was young (Hey, maybe SHE was using my easy button. That's fine, I'm sure she needed it, I'll let it slide)
Maybe life isn't meant to be easy. Maybe the hard things in life are what make it worth while. Hey, now that I think of it, I believe we were discussing that at "Girls Night Out" the other night. OR, maybe that was a reference to somethings else... never mind, I'll save that for my next blog.

"Thank You Facebook"

It really just depends on how you say something. I've thanked Facebook in some different ways over the last few weeks. There was the "Gee, thanks a lot Facebook" as I witnessed all the ladies my husband went to high school with, friend request him. Or the "Wow, thank you Facebook", as I got to see what my family and close friends were up to. Then there are the other friends on Facebook that most people have, those that you knew, but may not currently recognize while out and about. If you did, you would most likely stop and chat for a second or two. It would be possible that many of my Facebook friends may not recognize me, since I tend to post only pictures that I feel I look OK in....which are most likely from 10 years ago. What's great about Facebook is, regardless of how well you know someone, if you have a conversation with someone you haven't seen in while it's nice and, well..brief. Don't get me wrong, it's not because you don't genuinely want to talk to someone, it's that life just doesn't allow for it most of the time. Say, for example, the time you run out to Walmart to buy...well...pretty much anything...and you don't happen to notice someone because you are hot on the trail of your child...who is attempting to exit the store and possibly about to set off an alarm because they figured they REALLY wanted a new video game...and that in itself should be reason enough to have it. If that's not the case and you don't have the distraction of children, it's OK. Facebook can definitely shorten up a conversation for you too. It stops you from having to lead in with..."So...What have you been doing with yourself for the past 15 years?" Those that are not complete  social voyeurists will at least let you know a little about what is going on in their life on Facebook.

I suggested to my husband that he join Facebook. In hindsight, I may have wanted to wait for a better time, well...for me. You see, this time of year tends to cause me to accentuate my curves a bit. By that I mean, my ass gets a bit larger. It's sort of like the "freshman 15", only it doesn't give up after that one time. It's what I like to refer to as the "winter 15"(this year possibly...20). It's the extra poundage I pack on to deal with the miserable cold and dreariness of winter. I tell myself it's not my fault. My body just tries to desperately insulate itself to fend off the cold. It's natures way. But, this year has been especially brutal. Not only am I dealing with a particularly crappy, snowy, freezing winter, I also quit smoking. I often wonder why I would ever smoke in the first place. I've heard it is to be blamed on an oral fixation.Unfortunately for my husband, that does not translate into something beneficial for him, contrary to the way it sounds. To his dismay, I choose to appease my fixation need with FOOD.

Here's how this all relates to my sarcastic thanking of Facebook. Having my husband join at a point when I wasn't feeling my most secure may not be the best idea. I look at Facebook a little differently now. I see some of my friends on Facebook and what they post, or pics they put up, and think, hmmm, what do his friends post? Some of my female friends look smokin hot in their pictures. It's OK for me to view women that way because, women judge other women...everyone knows that. But, I just don't know if I want my husband looking at his "friends" and thinking that. I picture them all looking so great, especially the ones that have kids. Naturally, they gained 14 lbs for each pregnancy and wore their "skinny jeans" home from the hospital. Meanwhile my hubby has visuals of me during my pregnancies, with ankles that.....well...there were no ankles. Deep down I hope that some of his female "friends" complain constantly on Facebook, or they share more than you could possibly want to know about them on a social network. They are always posting about how sick they are, or guessing that rain may be on the way, because when it is, their c-section scar flares up. It helps me out to think this way. It stops me from worrying that he may lose interest in me, I'm really not too bad when compared with that. It also stops me from being concerned that my last correspondence with him was a text to see if he could pick up feminine products for me on his way home.

I can thank Facebook for motivating me. I have a sudden desire to hop on my diet wagon, strap on the seat belt, and shed this "winter weight". Watching all these people on Facebook hitting the gym, dieting, or not doing a damn thing and still looking skinny. Of course, I am taking baby steps. Walking the dog a little longer each day...eating better. Then there is my favorite exercise, going out to see a band and dancing so long that my thighs hurt the next day. The only draw back to that exercise is that it goes hand in hand with beer for me. When I can't go to the bar to get some cardio, I turn to doing a game on Wii that has you follow the dancer on the screen and earn points if you can keep up with her. I think my kids remotes are broken though...the score clearly does not reflect my performance in most cases.

There are people on Facebook that I may not have gotten to know outside of it. Sharing the same "likes" must make people feel more connected to one another. One friend in particular, was like this for me. We shared a lot of the same interests. She was also really supportive when I started this blog. She would send me messages to say how much I made her laugh, and I could always count on her to encourage me to write more even if it was just to click the "like" button when she read one. She passed away suddenly two weeks ago. I still see her picture when I look through my friends on Facebook. This is the first time I will write a blog that she will not comment on. Even something like this makes me thankful for Facebook, I may not have gotten to know her the way I did without it.

Regardless of what you use Facebook for, try to have some fun with it. Use it to share your thoughts, your stories, your gripes, to sing a song. Tell your friends whatever you like...unless you are a friend of husband...then you might want to reign it in a little. Also, go easy on the sexy pics, he really hates those.

Bring On The Bitches!

I'm ready...I think. Honestly I think one bitch in this house is enough right now but I know in the near future I will be taking a back seat to some new bitches that will take over my life. NO...I'm not pregnant! Jeez, if I were do you think I would be referring to my offspring as bitches? Yeah, you're right, I probably would. These are actual bitches, and I feel that they will be here very soon:

Ever since our dog died a couple of years ago the pitter patter of little paws has been on my husband's mind. At the time my youngest was only a few months old and my oldest had just turned two. I was quite content with the pitter patter mind blowing racket that my kids created for me on a daily basis. Of course I missed her, she was in many ways like my first baby. She may have also served as a type of birth control because she proved that I was definitely not ready to take care of a baby. We got her when she was 6 weeks old. I've often said that God makes kids cute for a reason and I believe the same goes for puppies. She was a royal pain in the ass. She whined all night, chewed everything she could get her paws on, and crapped all over the house (usually minutes after I had just taken her outside). But who could resist this face?

We discussed getting another dog but I was reluctant. I mean, can you blame me? I was already dealing with a little "critter" that was destroying everything I owned, whining all night, and occasionally crapping on the floor. That's right, I said on the floor. There is nothing worse than a two year that figures out how to remove his diaper and is not potty trained yet. I really didn't need anything additional to care for. Plus how was I going to train a dog when I couldn't be sure whether it was the one who was using my home as a toilet or if it was my child.

Finally I agreed that we could get a dog when my youngest turned five. Not sure why I chose that milestone but in hindsight I probably should have said ten because he turned five in June. I'm also convinced that I was severely sleep deprived, or possibly drugged, when I agreed that we could get two dogs...at the same time. What the hell was I thinking? Sure! I know one puppy is a lot of work, but why don't we throw in another one and double the work load... I don't do anything all day anyway. Ugh. Plus, no matter what anyone in this house has to say about how much they are going to help take care of the puppies, I know it's a bunch of bull. It may start off that way, but ultimately these two fur balls will be my responsibility. I wondered if my husband may have forgotten my drug induced agreement but it turns out that he didn't. Since June he has been all over the Internet looking for two chocolate lab puppies.

I have to admit that deep down I may want this just as much as he does. As the kids have gotten older their constant pleas for help have been replaced with "It's OK mom, I can do it myself". I find myself missing being needed. I never would have believed that it was possible, but it's true. I miss holding my little babies while they sleep in my arms and kissing there chubby cheeks. I miss tiny little hands reaching for mine while we take a walk. Now my attempts for affection are embarrassing for them. When I try to kiss and hug them they squirm and whine "Maaaa! Stop it!"

We haven't told the kids about our pending new additions to the family yet. It's almost as if they know though because my youngest has now turned into a "pet" for my oldest. He spends most of his days pretending that he is a cat. By the way, I hate cats. I'm surprised that female cats are not called bitches because they can be pretty moody. Anyhoo, he crawls around on all fours meowing and purring. The other day I found him lapping up a bowl of milk off the floor that my oldest had prepared for him. Thankfully, they haven't decided to set up a litter box or anything for him because I'm convinced that he would would use it.

So bring on the puppy breath, the wet little puppy noses, and the pee stained carpets. I'm in need of being needed...I think.